Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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