Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
