I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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