cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
