I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
