I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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