Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Fuck appropriateness.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Randomize
