last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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