I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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