pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
