I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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