Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
