I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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