If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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