I think I won the penis lottery.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
