True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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