i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
