Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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