This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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