She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
