I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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