I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Found the puke drawer
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
