Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
