They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
