I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
