I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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