Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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