so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
