I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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