my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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