dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
