She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
