Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
