If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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