I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
