booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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