Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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