That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
