There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
