There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
