You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
