I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
