I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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