so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
