It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
