just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You left your phone here
Wait...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
