There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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