I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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