Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
