Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
