i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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