When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
