I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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