he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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