I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
