new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just cropdusted the office
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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