How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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