Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
