Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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